"Take these words, they come out wrong..."

komedya-novela

di sinasadya. basta nangyari na lang. yung barkadahan ba. saan nag-ugat? sa vanity. ang requirement? maganda ang buhok palagi. mwahahaha!!! dahil sa pang-ookray ng bading na si ronnie cricket-look-alike sa isa niyang kakilala, nabuo ang konsepto ng elida. nagsimula sa lokohan lang. mag-pictorial daw kami. siyempre, pag nag-uusap-usap, kaka-excite. malay ba naming tototohanin pala ng bakla! kumuha ng fashion expert at ng stylist. tapos, na-set na ang date. ngayon, may komedya-novela na. bagong konsepto. nagpapanggap na nakakatawang drama o ma-dramang katatawanan. subaybayan sa www.essaysandlullabies.blogspot.com. halaw sa mapaglaro at ma-ilusyong isipan ni jtm.

bakit gising ang diwa ko sa madaling araw

may 13, 2005, sa master's bedroom. maghahatinggabi na noon. pinipilit kong matulog dahil mahaba ang araw ko kinabukasan. at sunod-sunod din yung mga gabing puyat ako.

but no!

ang aking mga munting anghel, hyper!

alex (the older daughter): mommy, tomorrow, i'm going to make you a special breakfast. hotdogs, hard-boiled egg and ahhmmm...

ako: what, 'nak?

alex: ahm... and salt and pepper.

tpp: wow, thanks! that's so sweet.

alex: what drinks do you want?

tpp: cold chocolate?

alex: ok. cold chocolate. and chicken soup with chicken.

gabby (the younger but more makulit daughter): siyempre, chicken soup with chicken. kung walang chicken, walang chicken soup.

alex: hay naku, gabby. mag-joke ka na lang sa self mo.

gabby (sincere siya sa sagot niya): eh sinong tatawa?

hirap na hirap akong pigilin ang aking halakhak. nagkukunwa akong patulog na.

alex: ha?

gabby: sinong tatawa?

alex: alam ko na. ako sasagot, ikaw tatawa.

gabby: sige. (ayan na, bumubuwelo nang mag-imbento ng sarili niyang joke.) anong tao ang kumakain ng self niya?

alex: kakainin ko na lang self ko.

gabby: mwahahaha! (bahagyang nakapikit, nakatingala habang kita ang lalamunan sa plastic niyang pagtawa. bubuwelo na naman para mag-joke ulit.) anong light ang nag-iilaw sa yo?

nakasanayan na naming matulog ng may isang lamp na nakabukas. katabi yon ni alex.

alex: e di lampshade.

gabby: (babagsak ang mukha) ohhh, that makes me so sad. (sabay tutungo.) hmp! (tatakpan ang kanyang mukha ng maliit niyang unan na hugis elepante at saka hihiga. na-sad talaga siya!)

tpp: what's wrong, baby?

hihikbi-hikbi si gabby. kinabukasan ko pa malalaman kung bakit siya nalungkot. di raw kasi lampshade ang sagot. lamp lang. si ate alex naman kasi e. mali ang sagot!

balik sa eksena sa kuwarto.

tpp: nak, sleep na tayo. mommy has to sleep na. masakit katawan ko. meron ako e.

gabby: anong meron?

tpp: ahm... meron? i have mens.

gabby: what's mens?

tpp: (censored, medyo graphic although sanay doon ang mga anak ko.) pag big girls, meron talaga non.

gabby: e big boys?

tpp: wala. big girls lang.

gabby: si yapie (yaya pie), big girl na.

tpp: yeah. meron din siya. tsaka si ate erika (cousin nila), meron na rin siya.

alex: (sisingit sa usapan. akala ko tulog na siya.) yung mens yung lumalabas pag masungit.

sa pagkakataong ito, di ko na napigilan ang aking pagtawa. pero siyempre, kailangang may gawin akong paglilinaw.

tpp: nak, di naman automatic na lalabas yon pag masungit. kahit meron non, puwedeng di masungit. tsaka puwedeng masungit kahit walang mens. tingnan mo ko ngayon. di naman ako masungit.

matatawa si alex sa sarili niya.

tatahimik ang kuwarto. papatulog na ko nang biglang...

gabby: (in a very small voice) mommy, di ako maka-sleep. hintayin ko na lang si daddy kasi iki-kiss ko siya. (kung kilala nyo si gabby, alam nyong may milagrong nangyari kaya niya nasabi ito. ayaw na ayaw nga niyang maririnig na kamukha niya ang tatay niya e.)

siyempre, natuwa naman ako.

tpp: oh, that's so sweet!

alex: (eeksena) mommy, promise talaga. special ang breakfast mo tomorrow.

tpp: thanks, 'nak!

gabby: (ibabalik ang spotlight sa sarili niya) love ko si daddy. love ko kayong lahat. pati mga friends mo, mommy. hindi lang yung boy na nang-aasar sa akin.

iisa lang ang pinatatamaan ni gab dito. walang iba kundi si cesar apolinario. sa unang tapak kasi ni cesar sa bahay namin, sinikap na nitong mapalapit sa aking mga anak, lalo na kay gabby. kaso ang lolo mo, mali ang style na ginamit. nagsayaw ba naman ng ocho-ocho sa harap ni gab. ayun, mortal enemies tuloy sila ngayon.

at ako naman, kahit isang oras nang nagpanggap na tuod at di gumalaw sa pagkakahiga, di pa rin agad nakatulog. ###

mga kantang akma sa buhay ni jtm

If you could read my mind love
What a tale my thoughts could tell

marahil maihahambing sa isang telenovela ang buhay ni jtm. may misteryo, may karahasan, matindi ang mga conflict, may mga sikretong unti-unting nabubunyag, nagkalat ang drama.

himala, kasalanan bang humingi ako sa langit ng... isang himala...

isang kulog lang... mukhang di imposible ang hiningi niyang senales mula sa langit. umulan kasi noong sinundang gabi. malakas ang ihip ng hangin. pero lumubog na ang araw, natapos na ang trabaho ko sa opisina, papauwi na nga ako e, di pa rin kumukulog.

Darling I know it's so hard to let a love go,
it's not easy letting love go,
it's so hard to let a love go.
Darling don't I know, it is never easy letting go
when it's gone on and on and on and on.

akala niya, nakumbinsi niya kaming nalagpasan na niya ang mga krisis sa kanyang lovelife. akala rin niya, nakumbinsi na niya ang kanyang sarili.

sinong dakila, sino ang tunay na baliw?

di naman daw siya delusional. "i'm just indulging my..." nakalimutan ko na kung anong salita yung ginamit niya.

Some good times I remember - my birthday that September,
We lay down on the lawn,
And counted until dawn,
The stars that we lay under.
And is he still, I wonder, the fairest of them all, mirror,
Mirrorball.

sa kabila ng mga hinanakit at kasinungalingang naikuwento niya sa akin, nangingibabaw pa rin ang magaganda niyang alaala sa isang nakasama sa kanyang nakaraan.

pero tutulungan ko pa rin syang magising sa kanyang bangungot. maganda ang bukas. maliwanag. naghihintay doon ang para sa kanya.###

A Day's Entry in a Mommy's Diary

A DAY'S ENTRY IN A MOMY'S DIARY

Sept 5, 2001: 3am

This morning, my daughter said something to me that made my eyes fill with tears. She said, "Mommy, kanta ka." As I started to sing, she closed her eyes, buried her face in her pillow and smiled. I stroked her cheek as I brushed away several strands of hair from her face. I heard her sigh as she drifted off to sleep. I felt I was the best singer in the world.

Alex and I have shared several moments such as this. I have always felt the need to be connected to her, physically, after I almost lost her when she was only 6 months old.

My mom had been insisting that I bring Alex to a specialist to have her head examined. She said Alex's forehead was bigger than the other children's and her eyes sometimes looked at you sharply. I assured my mom that my daughter's forehead was just the right size. Alex was, after all, an 8-pounder when I gave birth to her. And babies sometimes look at things sharply when they are surprised or when they have discovered something new. I also was not worried because Alex had regular monthly check-ups.

In hindsight, I was glad my mom was such a pest about this. She asked an anesthesiologist-friend to schedule my daughter for a CT scan. I agreed because we were really going to the hospital that day to visit my sister, who was confined because of a foot infection.

The scan was uncomfortable for Alex. She was crying the whole time. But I reasoned it was because she wasn't allowed to eat or drink milk for several hours before the test.

The technician repeated the scan over and over again. She said my daughter's head kept on moving, when I knew this wasn't true. Alex had her head strapped to the table the whole time. I should have been worried then but no. When the test was over, I picked up my baby. Still, I felt no fear.

It was as I was walking out of the room that I started to be afraid. I saw my mom crying. And when she looked at me, I saw in her eyes the fear that I was supposed to be feeling. Her anesthesiologist-friend was talking to her and when they saw me, they stopped talking. All my mom could say was, "Tina... Tina... Si Alex..."

Her friend turned to me and the first thing she said was, "We might have to operate on her brain." It took about 5 seconds for the shock to wear off. Everything was a blur to me. I heard myself crying, loudly and unabashedly, right in the middle of the hospital corridor. I held on to Alex tightly, afraid I was going to lose her right then and there. The nurses, who just minutes ago had been cooing over Alex, stayed at both ends of the corridor, unsure whether to comfort me or to leave me in my misery.

The doctor tried to explain what was wrong. I didn't hear all of it. I only caught a few disjointed phrases. "Blood clot. So big. Her brain pushed to one side. Nabagok ang ulo. Nahulog." I couldn't understand how all this happened. My daughter never fell, at least when I was the one taking care of her. The only other person who took care of her was my husband's mother and she would not allow anything bad to happen to her granddaughter.

My mom guided me to a chair. I gave Alex a bottle of milk but when she saw me crying, she stopped feeding and cried. I guess she felt my fear although she did not understand any of it.

We weren't allowed to leave the hospital that morning. In the afternoon, Alex was taken to the operating room. The whole day, I felt like a zombie, moving but not functioning. The flood of emotions sweeping through me was more than I could handle. I kept turning to my husband for comfort and assurance that Alex will survive the operation. I refused to eat. I could only pray to God to look after my baby and make sure she'll come out of the operating room as healthy as a baby could be. I asked God to transfer whatever ailment my baby had to me. I was willing to suffer. I knew I could handle it. What I couldn't handle was the thought of losing my baby.

The operation was successful. Actually, I saw it as a miracle. The blood clot in my baby's head was liquid. Her fontanel had not closed because the opening adjusted as the clot grew larger. Looking back, I was thankful it was this way because the doctor did not need to slice open Alex's head. A tube was inserted through the open fontanel and this drained the blood from her head.

In a few days, we were allowed to go home. Alex recovered fast.

This happened exactly a week before Christmas. My daughter's health was the best Christmas gift I ever received. Now, Alex, at 2, is an ate to baby Gabby. As I look at them both, lying on either side of me, I thank God. He has given my husband and me the best gifts ever.

PS Alex is now 5 and is one of the top students in her class. Gabby has just turned 4 and will be in kindergarten this June.